Start Again - from Experience
From my broken heart to yours. Everyone is going through something.
In July I went through a deep sadness. I traveled to my parents’ home in the United States and hunkered with my children for three weeks. And during that time I was very depressed and couldn’t shake it. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t find happiness with my family. I isolated myself and reminded myself that it’s okay to feel like bug goo sometimes. At the exact same time I felt a lot of shame for being sad on what should have been a great family vacation. But emotions are tricky like that. We can fake it as best we can on the outside but we can’t run away from our own feelings. Feeling your feelings and letting them pass is a way to heal from trauma. It’s the not holding onto the sadness that’s difficult.
I would keep repeating, “This will pass. This will pass.” And it did. The sadness passed. I feel more neutral now.
I went through a period of manic after my breakup last year. I felt very powerful for leaving my 16 year relationship. I felt unstoppable. And I acted like it. But there are physical realities - rules to play by and my ego didn’t care. I made plenty of mistakes during this manic period and then swung the realities of problems stacked on problems and fell into a depression.
I don’t know if you’ve ever depression but rocky bottom of sorts. And time continues to pass. The Earth continues to turn. I kept waking up to a rising sun regardless of what emotion I was feeling that day.
I began to write my honest feelings down in my journal. Waking and dumping the dark thoughts onto pages that won’t be read out loud anytime soon. Because you don’t have to say all of your thoughts out loud. Some thoughts are best kept inside.
I am learning to discern between the thoughts that will help me and the thoughts that will hurt me. And then speaking the helpful thoughts into reality. Following through on helpful words with action. Choosing which actions to repeat so I may have better habits for myself in the future. And when I consistently show up for myself and follow through on the actions consistently it becomes my “new to me” routine. And this is what builds the next life.
Not repeating patterns or habits of a person that I needed to become to survive my trauma. Because I’m not in my trauma anymore. I’m in my healing and I must not repeat old stale habits thinking that something new will be created out of them.
I’ve done things in my past to survive and I do not need to continue to repeat these thoughts, words, and actions. I can let them go and begin again.
From experience. No one gets to “start over.” We all start again from experience.
Self Reflection: What are some old, repetitive patterns do you notice in yourself that you want to change? Unhelpful thoughts or words or actions that you can leave behind and make room for new?
