Three Sentences

“I believe you.” “You did nothing wrong.” “This was not your fault.”

Three sentences that can turn a victim into a survivor. Three sentences that are not used nearly enough.

~ Nikita Gill

Dear Blog Reader,

I don’t want to talk about it anymore but it permeates my being. I don’t want to talk about it anymore but it slants how I view the world. I don’t want to talk about it anymore but the experiences of my past have been survived in my body and mind. I don’t want to talk about it anymore but it might help someone else know they aren’t alone.

It’s hard to explain something that wasn’t there. It’s hard to heal from something that wasn’t given. It’s hard to forgive myself to not knowing what I didn’t know.

I’m forty years old and have two children and I have neglect trauma in my past. But all of these descriptions are simply characteristics that tell you something about my history. And what is in my personal history cannot be undone or rewritten or forgotten. And I don’t want my past to be washed away. Because I’ve done really fantastic things. I’ve conquered a lot in my life. I am resilient and powerful. I left my neglect.

I left because I realized I couldn’t change them but I could make a decision and start to change myself.

So that’s what I did. I made a big and scary decision and I left. And I like talking about that part because that’s when I started to remember I had a choice. I didn’t have to stay. I didn’t have to endure. I didn’t have to simply survive. I could leave and I did.

And now I’m here. And I’m proud of how courageous I was. I’m beaming with pride because I could have stayed and kept quiet and no one would have known, except for me. I didn’t want to stay the shell of the person I had become.

When I left neglect, I, first, felt god-like, full of ego and power. I was confident but reckless. And then, when actions have consequences, I faced realities I had created for myself and fell into a sadness and depression, pleading with myself to go back and make different decisions and to be cautious with my freedom instead of living life every day like it was my last day on earth.

And still, I persist. I have yet to see my last day on earth. The world continually spins, the sun always rises, I wake up every single morning and my body is perpetually breathing. I continue. And I continue to be here with you. Every day is a new day to weave healing into survival. Every day is a day of forgiveness towards myself for not knowing what I didn’t know until I knew it.

And now - I get to live a life free from neglect because I pay attention. I pay attention to how people treat me and I choose to decide to spend time with people who want to spend time with me.

This is critical in my healing. I choose to spend time with people that choose to spend time with me.

Anyone’s feet can be in front of my feet. Your feet can stand in front of my feet if you want them to. I’m not hidden. I’m not behind a locked gate. I’m a public person and we are all earth walkers on this planet. Anyone can find me if they want to find me and I’m not interested in bending over backwards to get you to look at me in my eyes.

This is my new super power. The ability to stand on my own two feet and understand my inherent worth as a human being with complicated emotions and a unique past. To feel all of the feelings and know that it’s going to be okay. I am valuable and my history has brought me, and taught me, everything that I need to be fully present. And to be fully present with the people in my life that choose to be with me.

If you want to look into my eyes you can find me teaching yoga on the beach in Tamarindo, Costa Rica and hosting Retreats for people.

Choose People that Choose You